Remnant and Rubble
I recently traveled to St. Louis for a dear friend who was getting married. I met her family 16 years ago, half my lifetime ago. She was one of my swimmers on the team and I slowly evolved from coach, to babysitter, friend and then to sister. She has been a devoted friend, mature far beyond her years and has fought for our friendship. Investing more than I deserved in return. I have grown and I’m now slightly better at staying in touch but on the whole, I am six years her senior and she is still teaching me how to be a better friend. This is an important omission. It took 4 years of counseling and two years of marital counseling to learn and accept, I do not know how to be a good friend.
Here’s the fun part, I need to own this if I want to be a better friend, better wife, better communicator, etc. Yes, my past can explain why I am this way. I can and will delve into the details at some point. Childhood trauma impairs, it frames the world and molds the mind into warped half-truths that allow for lies to take root. But past trauma does not excuse being a sh*tty person presently.
Last night I got invited to meet up with an old college friend at a Seahawks/Broncos game. It was a home game in Seattle and Lumen field was outrageously loud so catching up and attempting any conversation was laughable… literally. But we did it. Between beers and nachos we unwrapped nine years and sorted through the rubble. Again, she is another one I don’t deserve. There was a grace and ease to the conversation I was encouraged still existed. I came away feeling full, hopeful… and uncomfortable. Maintaining friendships is new, unfamiliar and it feels scary because I don’t want to suck at it. I’m realizing the only real way to not be a good friend, is to not try. Well that and grace…
Which brings me to my final thought - the remnant of friends that have endured are here only in and through grace. I give thanks for them, I thank God for the seasons and work he has allowed in and through those people. And in and through grace, I will continue to seek growth in being a better communicator.
“Those who remove mountains begin by carrying away small stones.”
Welcome to this space, it is a place for process and meditation. I welcome all, and I am eager to meet and hear from others on a similar healing journey. It is fair to say, every human has their own mountain to disassemble and the work will be a lifetime journey. That is the beautiful truth.
In time I will share the story behind the name of the blog. For now it is clear I have work before me that is hard and good. When I became a mother, I was shocked to see how much of my heart I had treasured for myself and how much more the Lord wanted. Walking with him is a journey on an old cobblestone road, the foundation is durable but the passage rocky - full of bumps and bruises with much rubble ahead and remnant at my side.
