Marriage: A Gardener’s Hope

Part Six

This story (or series) began with a gardener’s dilemma. The weedy rocky land we had inherited was slowly being cleared. Weeds would still grow, but we had the tools and time to do battle. The soil was steadily deepening in nutrition from the compost, the old dead things were being surrendered, lying down to decompose. We weren’t gardening unsupervised, we had an expert who we could go to for questions. We weren’t questioning one another’s abilities and instead allowing faith to mature into trust. God gave us hard lessons to plant into the ground. They were not the seeds we envisioned planting, but the roots had taken and fruit was beginning to surface. Storms had come and instead of doubting our purpose or the potential of the land, we sought “to move further up and further in” as CS Lewis would say. 

With that, this short story has been a dance between truth and vulnerability in the hopes that some of this felt familiar. Some of your story was seen. I hope parts were relatable, as insignificant or consequential as the events may be. Maybe the most relatable sentiment in this story is the inner battle we have with ourselves in the face of suffering. Where do we turn for hope?

pc : Dorothy Huynh (August 2019)

On a whole, 2019 moved with as much momentum as it was momentous. The quick fire pressure we experienced in the later half of 2018 was a taste of the decisions and changes to follow. The past few years had humbled us both to a point where we knew our limitations and when to call out for help. Being weak, being vulnerable evolved from something of shame and disgust to something that no longer induced anger. More eloquently stated, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

To be clear, the word power above is referring to the Holy Spirit, not power as we understand in the world. Being weak and having this power does not mean we will be understood well. More specifically that our lives will go without suffering, it is very much the contrary. Suffering is a part of life. Secondly when the verse refers to boasting, it is not said out of arrogance but rather joy. We are given an option when facing failure or weakness. Do we despair at our lack of power or do we rejoice over a greater power that uses weakness to create and build good things?

From a desperate and weak marriage, God was building good and lasting things. The week we discovered we were pregnant with Hudson, Lucas was offered a job. We began to look for a house once more. I still struggled with anger because change is hard and foreign. But there was improvement, there were incremental changes occuring. The trust that began to grow in counseling was stabilizing, the roots were strong and offshoots were starting to spread. House hunting was brutal and after sometime I asked to stop going to the house showings. Lucas however kept meeting with our realtor. A month or so passed and Lucas asked if I’d go with him again for an evening, there was a lineup of houses that had potential.

It was like a bad dating game show from the start. Of the three houses we saw that night, one was decent. Maybe good enough to bring home to mom and dad. However the owner of the home had been watching us from a neighbor's house across the street which was weird and the asking price was high for what it offered. The second one was absolutely dilapidated and bank owned because the previous owner had stopped making payments and had been squatting in it for three years. The third was the best looking but was actually off the market (as is life), an inspector was at the house when we rolled up. A first for our realtor, who was by no means new to the profession.

I was discouraged and tired that evening when we got home. The next morning I woke up and felt in my bones we were supposed to buy the shanty, squatter home. I told Lucas and in a word he was appalled. We both slept on it for a weekend and low and behold, come Monday morning, Lucas had the same gut feeling. We told our realtor and the bank responded immediately, we were in contract. The following Monday, we went to my twenty-week ultrasound and learned Hudson would be born with a cleft lip and palate.

It took a few months for the joke to be funny, but a few days after the ultrasound Lucas told me we had a “fixer upper home and a fixer upper kid.” We closed on the house at the end of May and got our keys the Wednesday after Memorial weekend. Initially our plan was to live in our old place while we fixed up the home to make it livable. We needed one working bathroom and a kitchen. Once more God threw us a curveball (a story for another day) and our lease on the old space abruptly ended as of June 1st. We packed and moved in three days.

We still fondly look back on the date nights at Lowe’s and Home Depot.

For a few weeks we bounced between Lucas’ parents homes. We went to work during the week and on the evenings and weekends we went to work on the home. The days were long and brutal. By mid-July I was becoming less and less productive which left Lucas painting, drywalling, re-plumbing, tiling, and treasure hunting in the attic (a lot of choice goodies were left by our previous friend). There were plenty of buyers' remorse meltdowns but I was grateful to see our conflicts were quick and solved with communication.

The plumber look never got old.

There were no hidden score boards, or standing resentments, we were a team and beginning to act like one. We were weeks away from welcoming a kid into the mix and as chaotic as the physical environment may have been, Lucas and I were connected and advocating for one another. God was showing me how much Lucas could carry, how much I could trust him with. God continued to use our community and Larry during our counseling sessions but he also introduced a tertiary resource to me. 

Earlier in the pregnancy, when I was trying to wrap my head around the concept of labor and birthing I found a great podcast hosted by a midwife. For one episode, the host brought on a close friend of hers, Selena Frederick. From the start of the interview I appreciated Selena’s wisdom and frugal way of speaking. It turns out she hosted a podcast of her own with her husband called Fierce Marriage. I listened to an episode and subscribed to their podcast mid-episode, I was hooked. It’s very easy for first time parents to get swept up in the preparation to-do dogma. I was struck by a basic fact. What is the point of “nesting”, preparing labor plans and techniques, going to birthing classes if you do not invest in the long-term provider of the child - a healthy marriage.

It is easier to double down on something when there is no doubt that thing is good. There comes a time in any relationship when the sacrifice seems to outweigh the benefit. This could also be true for a job or career, a housing arrangement or a hobby. The difference of course with marriage is that it is a promise. Tim Keller wrote, “In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love seem to dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of a marriage is that is it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love.” We can double down when there is hope.

pc : Dorothy Huynh (October 2019)

I believed my garden was the problem, it brought toils and weeds. I saw Lucas as the dilemma, the problem to solve, to heal the marriage. It turns out my brokenness, my anger, was at the core of our chaos. Leaving the marriage felt like hope often, but it lacked any promise for the future. There is a time when decisions need to be made, to choose love in marriage or not. Just as it is to choose to have faith in Christ or not. It is simply said, but the consequences are life changing. It became clear to me, my love or anger towards Lucas was only the projection of my relationship with God. I could choose to hate him or love him, one bore despair, the other hope.

We can move further up and further in when we have hope, when we know the future brings good things despite the suffering we still experience. “More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us” Romans 5:3-5. Lucas and I looked forward with hope, Hudson arrived early in September. We knew our plot of land had just multiplied and with it more dilemmas to solve. No matter the storms, pestilence, famine or pandemics to come, there would always be hope.