Monster Mom Days
I woke up today with an optimistic outlook. Hudson has been sick so I knew I would be keeping him home from preschool. Today is Wednesday which happens to be the one day of the week my mother-in-law comes over and watches Jack while Hudson is at school so I can go swim. Again with Hudson sick, no swimming. With nothing on our calendar for today I thought it would be nice for a change to have a deconstructed day, a “pick-your-own-adventure” kind of day.
Our morning started decently enough, I made the routine banana pancakes with some Parry Gripp playing on the Oontz. I could tell both the boys weren’t feeling great but their energy was still at max capacity, which should have been a yellow flag. We really don’t do a lot of screen time in the Clements house strictly because it turns Hudson into a grumpy zombie afterwards. I don’t know why, I promise the content is benign, but his brain melts and he forgets his boundaries and priorities. Well enter the BIG MISTAKE. Since he isn’t feeling well I thought, “I’ll let him watch a twenty-minute show while Jack naps so I can tackle dishes, start laundry and call the vet.” Jack went down, I cleaned the kitchen, started a load, and made my call. The show ended and then ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE.
Hudson is a passionate guy with a vibrant (read stubborn) will and I had made my bed now he was going to have my lie in it. I put the tablet and headphones away on the counter and immediately a blood curdling scream came pouring from out of the three year old’s mouth. I’ll spare the details but fifteen minutes later, after many tears and used tissues the kid was still unconsolable. I’m used to passionate tantrums at this point, I listen and validate when appropriate, I discipline and then comfort when necessary. But sick and hard-hearted days combined are just tough.
Welp, the murderous scream woke Jake from his nap about an hour early. I got Jack up and then began what I will call Hudson’s performance of Whack a Mole and Roadkill, his little brother starring as both mole and roadkill. Any chance Hudson had, he found a justification for giving Jack a good wack to the back of the head. I figured some fresh air would do us all some good so I moved the party outside and even attempted distracting with our bubble machine.
Hudson’s target had been made though and once outside he grabbed his bike and not once, twice, but thrice ran Jack over at top three-year-old-body speed. That was it. Monster Mom had arrived in a boil, the annoyance, turned frustration, turned rage came seething out of every nerve and I wanted to shake Hudson and scream “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?” I did scream something to the effect of “What are you doing? Stop! GO TO YOUR ROOM”. Which led me to carrying his flailing body up to his room not so gently. I did not practice being calm myself, instead I unleashed all my pent up anger. All of it, in words and in my expression. He is so little yet he gets it. And as I write this, I feel so much remorse and shame.
Once downstairs I consoled the bewildered and slightly bruised Jack. I wish I could say the time apart from Hudson helped me stop and think, reassess my heart before reconciling with my three year old but no. It took two more incidents, two more discipline talks and consequences before my heart finally broke from rage to tears. I sent a text to Lucas asking for prayer and then took a couple deep breaths.
I see this now as a grace from God, I am this stubborn.
Monster mom days are few and far between but the root of their rot, the thing that makes them hard is my anger. It is my perception of the situation and reacting in a way that does not exhibit control, patience, gentleness, the very fruits I am trying to foster in Hudson. This is so convicting to see. There is no way he can understand patience if it is not demonstrated to him, he cannot see how self-control helps us slow, breathe and make better decisions if I don’t practice it in front of him. Monster Mom is not who I want as Hudson’s mom.
Hudson took this picture in the midst of dinner prep chaos. I found a string of pictures he had captured throughout the afternoon which was. on the whole, much smoother than the morning.
The good news, the redeeming quality to today was forgiveness. Before nap, God gave me eyes to see my son for who he is. He is not mine, he is on loan, he is God’s child and I get to steward his stubborn, lovable, goofy heart toward or away from Jesus. He is a sinner and he is also three years old and is still little and figuring out the world. I get to ask God for help in knowing how to discern loving discipline for him which will correct and guide not crush his spirit.
I saw his crushed spirit today and God graciously broke my anger to tears so I could slow down and see what was happening. I got down on my knees and apologized for my lack of patience and being rough and not gentle. I asked Hudson to forgive me AND then HE apologized to me?! He got it. Forgiveness and repentance are beautiful gifts from God. I am so thankful and in the same beat I am so tired of sinning against my son and then asking for forgiveness later, I want to control Monster mom before she breaks the surface. This is my current work: working through my rage. My cobblestone road just got bumpier but man, I know I’m gonna love where it goes.
